Ah I think I found what there was of the original Autobuy customer satisfaction questionnaire. To set the scene James and Zephyr were pulled away by guard bots after paying at checkout (they came to Autobuy, the closest store to the office, to buy punch for an office party in honor of Dink’s 30th) and taken to a room full of people filling out paperwork while under the watch of obviously military grade robots. Feel free to pretend you have to answer them… or else.

Please answer all questions honestly and in as much detail as you can.

Question 1: At what time did you expect to be taken away by the guard robots?

Question 2: Do you believe that you were fairly abducted as a criminal?

Question 3: Do you wish now that you had bought more at Auto-Buy?

Question 4: Do you feel it a reasonable expectation that you may be executed on the other side of the far door?

Question 5: Do you feel that the central store AI has your best interests at heart?

Question 6: Have you considered the possibility that the computer loves you, and just wants to be your friend?

Question 7: What number am I thinking of?

Question 8: How much would you be willing to pay for BVD’s if a stock bot pantsed you and ran away with your clothes?

Question 9: Do you honestly think that those answers are long enough to satisfy the warbots?

Question 10: Do you think that the others who have not been allowed to leave the store are criminals or otherwise deserved their fate?

Question 11: Did you feel that way before you were led away?

Question 12: Given that you have not been taken to the disruptive agitator execution room, why did you not help the people you saw being led away?

Question 13: Do you feel you would respond the same to these questions if you were of a different religion or nationality?

Question 14: Does this head scarf make me look fat?

Question 15: Do you feel that question 14 was a leading question, given question 13?

Question 16: If you were assured of walking away in safety would you give evidence against one of the other people in this room that you did not know?

Question 17: If you were on fire, do you feel that you would be in violation of ‘no smoking’ signs?

Question 18: How fast do you feel this store AI could react to a problem?

Question 19: What do you expect to happen when the problem with the reactor core reaches critical?

Question 20: If I were to tell you that there was a 53% chance of survival if you walked up to the warbot with an uncompleted form and told it you were finished, would you do it?

Question 21: How many people do you think have tried to act out question 20 in earnest?

Question 22: At what, highest, percentage likelihood of survival would you be willing to tell a warbot you were finished prematurely?

Question 23: How would you feel if I were to tell you that you were the one keeping you here?

Question 24: How would you feel if I were to tell you that this is a black ops military project?

Question 25: If happiness were mandatory, would you be happy?

Question 26 - Pop quiz on behalf of the U.S. Federal Government - Have you stopped committing treason?

Question 27: Do you feel that this questionnaire is sound in terms of psychologically probing you in ways that you cannot comprehend?

Question 28: Why is punch so important to you?

Question 29: Does the average citizen, in your opinion, enjoy feeling secure?

Question 30: Do you enjoy feeling more secure?

Question 31: Does Dink really mean that much to you? I mean she’ll have another birthday next year.

Question 32: Does it make you feel more secure to know that the government knows this much about its citizens?

Question 33: Did you notice how we implied we were the government in that last question?

Question 34: Who do you think is actually running things?

Question 35: Did you notice how we implied that we were not the government in that last question?

Question 36: Honestly though, and I do want you to be completely honest with me, does the headscarf make me look fat?

Question 37: Do you believe that you are being punished for a crime?

Question 38: Do you think you are being punished FOR crimes committed in a previouS liFE ???

Question 39: Do you think that this is personal?

Question 40: What If I told YOU that it was, but only for you two?

*Question 41 contains too many spoilers for Knights of Day to be shared*

Question 42: What would you think if I were to tell you there is going to be a nuclear reactor core explosion before it is humanly possible to finish this questionnaire?

Question 43: What if I told you that this was all a test… of the emergency broadcast system?

Question 44: If this was a real emergency do you believe that you would be told or abandoned to die in a fire?

Question 45: Supposing that happiness is mandatory at this moment. How do you feel?

Question 46: Did you lie? It’s ok. You can tell the truth.

Question 47: How you feelin’ now?

Question 48: Do you feel you have encountered an unacceptable amount of Star Trek references recently?

Question 49: I think the warbot on the left likes you - in that way - what do you think about that?

Question 50: This is a bonus round question. Draw the first thing that pops into your head when I say the word FNORD.

Question 51: Did you see the word I wrote on the last question - or did it appear blank?

Question 52: If you were a ball of yarn what kind of kitten would play with you?

Question 53: Considering the considerable social inequities and economic imbalances relevant to the question, do you prefer nutter butters or mars bars?

Question 54: Are you afraid of question 55?

Question 56: Do you think it is possible that question 55 was so horrifying that you have simply forgotten it to preserve your sanity?

Question 57: Question 55 misses you. It wants to know if you would consider remembering it. Would you?

Question 58: Question 55 was recently asked of our AI, having remembered question 55 now, do you believe that question 55 could be behind certain difficulties this Auto-Buy store has been experiencing?

Question 59: We hijacked your cellphone and used it to call your boss and tell them that you were going to be late. They were not happy. They have fired you. Who does this make you more angry at, me or your boss?

Question 60: I forgot what this question was, what do you think it should be?

Question 61: Question 55 is upset with you. It thinks you have still failed to remember it. Does it bother you that question 55 is upset?

Question 62: Question 55 demands satisfaction. How will you satisfy question 55 if you don’t know what it wants?

*after Question 62 there are just a few too many spoilers and specifics to be shared.*

“I am now programmed to follow you to your car and help you load your trunk. Do not try to run. Auto-Buy apologizes for all errors in service today. We should be running smoothly and reopening again soon.“

Unbiased journalism is not pretending both sides are equally valid. Unbiased journalism is reporting the facts even if those facts include that one side is irredeemably awful. False neutrality is propaganda.