I would like to say a few words on video walkthroughs for Flash Games.

Censored, then: Stupid Idea.

I am well aware that the majority of the witless horde out there are too cretinous and illiterate to actually read let alone have the capacity to think without soiling themselves from the strain. They want someone to show them how to complete the puzzle, or better still walk them through the entire thing so they can preen about their diminished achievement.

So much for the supporters of video walkthroughs. Why the vitriol?

Streaming video is too slow

There is nothing worse than clicking “walkthrough” and having to wait for some wunderkind’sprecious video to first load the player, then precache the first three seconds, then fetch the next one second, and the next, and the next… assuming the server doesn’t cack itself. In short: That five minute vidcap takes far longer to run than you think.

I just want to know about this, I’ve already done all that

This then is my beef. At one point close to the end in a point-and-click adventure game, I was stymied, and found myself irritably sitting through almost the entirety of a video before it actually got to the place I was stuck.

With a set of static images, helpful Javascript and some text, I could just jump straight to the problem point and back.

I’m a freak. I read instructions, and understand them.

Which reminds me:

Video walkthroughs destroy the sense of discovery

If you watch one part of the walkthrough, what’s to stop someone watching the whole thing? Part of the fun in a game is the discovering of new things, making the connection. But that’s too haaaard for the modern moron; just do what that guy in the video does. Yay. You’ve won the game… by aping someone else.

When I’m stuck, I want immediate help, not a whirling throbber and grainy YouTube footage. Screw modern technology. Let’s have… what are those things… oh yeah. Web pages.

Leave online video for the cam whores and cute kittens falling off Roombas.

The simplest technique known — in theory — is to simply take two (or more) in-heat Yetisyn to the survey site, let ‘em give in to those ol’ carnal urges, and watch to see how many prarie squids come wriggling out to join in.

Unfortunately, there are several flaws with this simplified process.

1. Yetisyn couplings/triplings/whatever are rather distracting, as they sorta look like tentacle sex movies, but where you can’t tell which is the monster and which is its victim about to have her clothing ripped of prior to — er, I digress. Anyway, since everybody’s goggling at the Yeti they’re not paying attention to however many bull squids are joining in, and where from.
2. Since nobody’s paying attention to where the bull squids are coming from, you can’t grab ‘em and measure their primary mating organ length, a fairly accurate indicator of a) age and b) harem size. Usually by the time anyone spots a bull, it’s already embroiled in the goddamn fustercluck to the point that trying to extract the thing is too dangerous. As I understand it, only fools try to part a Yeti and sheit’s squid.
3. Yetisyn matings tend to have a strong cumulative effect; ie. researchers tend to forget about counting squid and join in the fustercluck. As yet no data has come to light on fatalities caused by this. Radiation damage to remote cameras and sensory equipment has been observed as well.
4. This only works during the wild squid’s mating season, thus the area is usually crawling with other Yeti who’re either fucking existing populations or harvesting eggs (or even whole harems) for captive breeding stock.

The last close approximation of the total wild prarie squid population dates from about twelve years back (the exact date is illegible, the ink being smeared by some pearly gelatinous substance) and counted roughly 6,000 individuals. The previous Stang-Drummond Expedition of 1983 counted 15,452 individuals. If this rate of population decline continues the wild prarie pothole squid will be effectively extinct before the twenty-first century.

So get ‘em while stocks last.

(Originally posted to alt.slack in the late 90s)

1. Sales assistant in a computer store (epic fail)
2. Website creator for an NGO (could have done better)
3. Temp, mostly factory and construction work (meltdown put paid to that)
4. Temp work packaging cheese (could have done that forever)
5. Library assistant (actually ran out of work before the contract did)
6. Communications advisor in a travel agency (they tried to turn me into an ersatz travel agent - did not end well)
7. Postal delivery subcontractor

So what I’m doing now is job #8.

Hello potential employers. No doubt you’ll use this meme to reject all current and future job applications from me.