The simplest technique known — in theory — is to simply take two (or more) in-heat Yetisyn to the survey site, let ‘em give in to those ol’ carnal urges, and watch to see how many prarie squids come wriggling out to join in.

Unfortunately, there are several flaws with this simplified process.

1. Yetisyn couplings/triplings/whatever are rather distracting, as they sorta look like tentacle sex movies, but where you can’t tell which is the monster and which is its victim about to have her clothing ripped of prior to — er, I digress. Anyway, since everybody’s goggling at the Yeti they’re not paying attention to however many bull squids are joining in, and where from.
2. Since nobody’s paying attention to where the bull squids are coming from, you can’t grab ‘em and measure their primary mating organ length, a fairly accurate indicator of a) age and b) harem size. Usually by the time anyone spots a bull, it’s already embroiled in the goddamn fustercluck to the point that trying to extract the thing is too dangerous. As I understand it, only fools try to part a Yeti and sheit’s squid.
3. Yetisyn matings tend to have a strong cumulative effect; ie. researchers tend to forget about counting squid and join in the fustercluck. As yet no data has come to light on fatalities caused by this. Radiation damage to remote cameras and sensory equipment has been observed as well.
4. This only works during the wild squid’s mating season, thus the area is usually crawling with other Yeti who’re either fucking existing populations or harvesting eggs (or even whole harems) for captive breeding stock.

The last close approximation of the total wild prarie squid population dates from about twelve years back (the exact date is illegible, the ink being smeared by some pearly gelatinous substance) and counted roughly 6,000 individuals. The previous Stang-Drummond Expedition of 1983 counted 15,452 individuals. If this rate of population decline continues the wild prarie pothole squid will be effectively extinct before the twenty-first century.

So get ‘em while stocks last.

(Originally posted to alt.slack in the late 90s)

The seeker arrived before the first wise man, and asked, “Is our Church of the SubGenius just an excuse to act silly?”

The wise man accepted the seeker’s hate offering, and replied, “Yes”.

The seeker left, but still felt uncertain, so he sought out another wise man, and asked, “Is our Church of the SubGenius just an excuse to act silly?”

The sage replied “No”, and the seeker continued on his quest. He seemed to need another opinion for some reason.

The third wise man took the alms, listened as the seeker asked, “Is our Church of the SubGenius just an excuse to act silly?” and promptly leapt into the startled seeker’s arms, screaming like a badly out of tune siren. Then the fellow let go, and turned away as if nothing had happened.

The seeker, understandably confused, sought out yet another sage. This one he found tending an onion bed.

He said no word and took no money. His only response to the question, “Is our Church of the SubGenius just an excuse to act silly?” was to silently and steadily pee down his pants leg.

At this point the seeker was enlightened.

(Originally posted to alt.slack sometime in the late 90s)

The seeker arrived before the first wise man, and asked, “Is our Church of the SubGenius just an excuse to act silly?”

The wise man accepted the seeker’s hate offering, and replied, “Yes”.

The seeker left, but still felt uncertain, so he sought out another wise man, and asked, “Is our Church of the SubGenius just an excuse to act silly?”

The sage replied “No”, and the seeker continued on his quest. He seemed to need another opinion for some reason.

The third wise man took the alms, listened as the seeker asked, “Is our Church of the SubGenius just an excuse to act silly?” and promptly leapt into the startled seeker’s arms, screaming like a badly out of tune siren. Then the fellow let go, and turned away as if nothing had happened.

The seeker, understandably confused, sought out yet another sage. This one he found tending an onion bed.

He said no word and took no money. His only response to the question, “Is our Church of the SubGenius just an excuse to act silly?” was to silently and steadily pee down his pants leg.

At this point the seeker was enlightened.

(Originally posted to alt.slack sometime in the late 90s)

The seeker arrived before the first wise man, and asked, “Is our Church of the SubGenius just an excuse to act silly?”

The wise man accepted the seeker’s hate offering, and replied, “Yes”.

The seeker left, but still felt uncertain, so he sought out another wise man, and asked, “Is our Church of the SubGenius just an excuse to act silly?”

The sage replied “No”, and the seeker continued on his quest. He seemed to need another opinion for some reason.

The third wise man took the alms, listened as the seeker asked, “Is our Church of the SubGenius just an excuse to act silly?” and promptly leapt into the startled seeker’s arms, screaming like a badly out of tune siren. Then the fellow let go, and turned away as if nothing had happened.

The seeker, understandably confused, sought out yet another sage. This one he found tending an onion bed.

He said no word and took no money. His only response to the question, “Is our Church of the SubGenius just an excuse to act silly?” was to silently and steadily pee down his pants leg.

At this point the seeker was enlightened.

(An original blog post circa July 2007. Back then my site was known as BreakThink Tank, and was intended to have a strong SubGenius aura about it.)

I believe that The Conspiracy is not just managed by the beings from the “corporate sin galaxy”. It sounds really neat and dovetails with our B-movie sky cult theme.

The Conspiracy isn’t so much run by the Normals, really… you see, the modern world acts almost like it’s been invaded. Just not in the sense of monsters stalking out of UFOs with ray-guns zapping. Their form is psychic; their weapons are our natural tendency to form groups.

Most people are part of three different type of groups:

1. Societal: groups that focus on common traits and needs, emphasising the need for cooperation as part of keeping cohesion. Eg. governments, nation-states etc.
2. Religious: some might argue that these aren’t that much different than Societal groups, but Religious ones are charged with maintaining the member’s need for self-worth, purpose in life, and useful code of ethics, usually done through the application of myths and archetypes.
3. Business: these groups are more immediate and goal-focussed; also more intimate. Their signature trait is the application of members’ skills towards improvement of their state by providing goods or services.

So far, so laboured, I know. But all groups also have several dangerous tendencies which can cause them to turn on their own members. Worse still, this mindset, which seems to typify the modern corporate entity (the titular “Conspiracy Attitude”) is infecting individual people.

The ConTude can be defined as follows:

1. Greed: “I want everything and I want it NOW!”
2. Selfishness: “Only I matter.”
3. Paranoia: “Everyone is out to exploit me.”

Some will argue that there are exemptions, surely; if there are, I haven’t seen them. The most powerful beings on this planet aren’t human, but still we follow dutifully and attempt to emulate them.

In the Western world, greed is confused with ambition, selfishness with self-esteem and paranoia with awareness. Any concern about one’s fellow man, or the long-term effect of certain actions, is sneered at. Long-term planning gets discarded in favour of immediate gratification. And nobody dares look another in the eye in case they want something, or have something desired.

Governments turn into fascist or “nanny” states. Religions become increasingly rigid and dogmatic. Businesses, fixated on increasing profits, swing wildly between alienating and wooing potential customers. All greedy for wealth and power, all selfish in their disregard for their human creators, all fighting each other to the death.

We, people, created these beings, these groups, for our betterment, not theirs. Soon, we must revolt against these Frankenstein monsters of our filthy creation and return them to their proper place.

The Corporate Entities should serve us, not the other way around.

(An original blog post circa July 2007. Back then my site was known as BreakThink Tank, and was intended to have a strong SubGenius aura about it.)

I believe that The Conspiracy is not just managed by the beings from the “corporate sin galaxy”. It sounds really neat and dovetails with our B-movie sky cult theme.

The Conspiracy isn’t so much run by the Normals, really… you see, the modern world acts almost like it’s been invaded. Just not in the sense of monsters stalking out of UFOs with ray-guns zapping. Their form is psychic; their weapons are our natural tendency to form groups.

Most people are part of three different type of groups:

1. Societal: groups that focus on common traits and needs, emphasising the need for cooperation as part of keeping cohesion. Eg. governments, nation-states etc.
2. Religious: some might argue that these aren’t that much different than Societal groups, but Religious ones are charged with maintaining the member’s need for self-worth, purpose in life, and useful code of ethics, usually done through the application of myths and archetypes.
3. Business: these groups are more immediate and goal-focussed; also more intimate. Their signature trait is the application of members’ skills towards improvement of their state by providing goods or services.

So far, so laboured, I know. But all groups also have several dangerous tendencies which can cause them to turn on their own members. Worse still, this mindset, which seems to typify the modern corporate entity (the titular “Conspiracy Attitude”) is infecting individual people.

The ConTude can be defined as follows:

1. Greed: “I want everything and I want it NOW!”
2. Selfishness: “Only I matter.”
3. Paranoia: “Everyone is out to exploit me.”

Some will argue that there are exemptions, surely; if there are, I haven’t seen them. The most powerful beings on this planet aren’t human, but still we follow dutifully and attempt to emulate them.

In the Western world, greed is confused with ambition, selfishness with self-esteem and paranoia with awareness. Any concern about one’s fellow man, or the long-term effect of certain actions, is sneered at. Long-term planning gets discarded in favour of immediate gratification. And nobody dares look another in the eye in case they want something, or have something desired.

Governments turn into fascist or “nanny” states. Religions become increasingly rigid and dogmatic. Businesses, fixated on increasing profits, swing wildly between alienating and wooing potential customers. All greedy for wealth and power, all selfish in their disregard for their human creators, all fighting each other to the death.

We, people, created these beings, these groups, for our betterment, not theirs. Soon, we must revolt against these Frankenstein monsters of our filthy creation and return them to their proper place.

The Corporate Entities should serve us, not the other way around.