Normally I’m not a top-list writer, since my response to anything tends to be muted at best and critical at worst. However, I’ve been on a My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic jag recently, and as a result not only have four Second Life pony avatars (two anthro, but that’s another post for ‘Cip) but a list in my History of some of the MLP-inspired Tumblrs out there.

And believe me when I say there are some that are very, very Wrong. So wrong that if Lauren Faust died tomorrow they could plug her coffin into the national grid and power half of Manhattan.

And most of these rely on Tumblr’s “Ask Me Anything” feature, so they draw their responses to their most amusing queries. Which, when you’re pretending to be a psychotic pony who’s got a new lease on life from ending that of others… let’s just say that here’s five Tumblrs showing ponydom going to Hell in a handcart.

Yeah… it’s kinda like that.

R18 NSFW nightmare fuel ahoy! Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

5. Ask Jappleack

Imagine Lauren Faust and John Krikfalusi had a cartoon baby. That’s pretty much Jappleack: A big headed, foul mouthed, apple-obsessed perversion of Applejack. (Oh, and he hates Applebloom. Probably because she got a game about herself and poor ol’ Jappleack didn’t.)

Start running, Impercussis. Just start running NOW.

What’s even worse is that the artist clearly knows their animation chops: linework and colouring are production quality; in fact, even the YouTube videos (under 'hotdiggetydemon’) are epically, terrifyingly high-quality.

And there’s more like this. It’s strangely hilarious and horrific in the same way that Stimpy torturing Ren with the happiness helmet is.

4. Ask Princess Molestia

There’s a number of folks who have made the logical leap that absolute power not only corrupts absolutely, but means you can get away with anything. And when you’re an immortal alicorn who’s responsible for getting the sun up every morning, that probably means a lot of time on your hooves, right?

And this is one of the tamer ones.

The artist seems to like this sort of dusky purple style, which makes me think of these manga aimed at young girls that are printed in pink and/or purple. Except they don’t involve an alicorn goddess making free with anypony who catches her gaze. Kinda like the official MLP episodes.

And apparently this blog has popularised a use of the term 'plot’ in a way you don’t even want to think about.

(Oh, who am I kidding? You sick fuckers are gonna go find out anyway, right?)

3. Ask Sweetie Poo

OK, take Rarity’s little sister, scoop out her brain and make her crap everywhere in an amusing fashion. Say hello to Sweetie Poo. Bring some bleach.

Is it bad that the first half dozen times I saw this image I didn’t twig that she ain’t got no legs?

And once again, the level of artwork - ranging from modified still frames to what appears to be original art - is frightening, even with our rather… slow… little filly basically crapping everywhere - including burying Twilight Sparkle under a massive pile and freaking Pinky Pie out.

Of course, we’ve managed to avoid the Cupcakesverse, haven’t we? Nooo…

2. Ask Pinkamena Diane Pie

A lot of the rot stems from a fic called Cupcakes, which can be nicely summarised as “Pinky Pie eats Rainbow Dash” and has introduced the world to the term 'grimdark’. So it was only a matter of time before someone started up a Tumblr for her.

I don’t know which is worse, that someone had to ask or Scootaloo’s response.

And yes, little Scootaloo ended up her apprentice. However, the artist has put this Tumblr on hiatus, so the existence of God is becoming more likely, but then there are the other Tumblrs that have fallen into Cupcakes-Pinky’s influence like planets falling into a black hole.

1. Ask Lil’ Miss Rarity

So, Cupcakes had Pinky Pie turn into a stone psycho killer, either got Rainbow Dash killed or driven insane, and Ponyville basically sent to Hell.

Oh, and it drove Rarity completely batshit fucking insane.

You. do. not. want. to. know. where that knife has been.

Look at the picture. Seriously. Look at the fucking picture. All the cues are there, you can fucking tell where Pinkamena D. Pie stuck that knife.

So, our fashionista unicorn is now into masochism and self-mutilation. And she’s leading Sweetie Belle down the same fucking path. I mean, OK, these are cartoon ponies, but this is Wrong with a capital FUCKING WRONG set in eight billion point type.

So there you have it. Five reasons why we bronies can’t have good things.

Now lemme outa here!

This is pretty much how you probably feel right now.